Religion quotes

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized that I was talking to myself.

Peter Barnes, The Ruling Class

It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.

Albert Einstein in Albert Einstein: The Human Side, edited by
Helen Dukas (Einstein’s secretary) and Banesh Hoffman

Believing is easier than thinking. Hence so many more believers than thinkers. Bruce Calvert

Pause for a laugh – Genuine extracts from letters sent to Local Councils in Ireland

1. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage

2. The lavatory is blocked so will you send a man to look into it?

3. Our gutters are blocked. This has been caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

4. This is to let you know there is a very bad smell coming from the man next door.

5. The toilet seat is cracked – where do I stand?

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is running away from the wall.

7. Please send plumber to burst in outside toilet.

8.I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawer.

9. I request your permission to remove my drawers in my kitchen.

10. Our lavatory seat has broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

12. I want some repairs done to my gas cooker as it back-fired and burnt my knob.

13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

14. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden which is dangerous and unsightly.

15. Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

16. Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children and would like to have a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

17. Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.

18. This is to let you know our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC 2.

19. I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

20. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

21. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it’s a funny colour and not fit to drink.

22. My carpet is not fit for human consumption. It got soaked and I didn’t send the form in sooner as I’ve been ill with bowel trouble.

make people depend on you

It is not he that adorns but he that adores that makes divinity. The wise person would rather see others needing him than thanking him. To keep them on the threshold of hope is diplomatic, to trust their gratitude is boorish; hope has a good memory, gratitude a bad one. More is to be got from dependence than from courtesy. He that has satisfied his thirst turns his back on the well, and the orange once squeezed falls from the golden platter into the waste basket. When dependence disappears good behaviour goes with it, as well as respect. Let it be one of the chief lessons of experience to keep hope alive without entirely satisfying it, by preserving it to make oneself always needed, even by a patron on the throne. But do not carry silence to excess or you will go wrong, nor let another’s failing grow incurable for the sake of your own advantage.

Keep matters for a time in suspense

Admiration of their novelty heightens the value of your achievements. It is both useless and insipid to play with your cards on the table. If you do not declare yourself immediately, you arouse expectation, especially when the importance of your position makes you the object of general attention. Mix a little mystery with everything, and the very mystery arouses veneration. And when you explain, do not be too explicit, just as you do not expose your inmost thoughts in ordinary conversation. Cautious silence is the sacred sanctuary of worldly wisdom. A resolution declared is never highly thought of—it only leaves room for criticism. And if it happens to fail, you are doubly unfortunate. Besides, you imitate the divine way when you inspire people to wonder and watch.

Appropriate quote of the day

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war… those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.” How do you know that? “Uh, well… We looked at the receipts Haar.” “Ah but as soon as that cheque clears, we’re going in.” “What time’s the bank open? 8? We’re going in at 9.” “We’re going in for God and country and democracy and here’s a foetus and he’s a Hitler. Whatever you fucking need, let’s go. Get motivated behind this, let’s go!” Bill Hicks

You know, and the amazing thing, obviously, the disparity and the casualties. Iraq – one hundred and fifty thousand casualties, USA – seventy-nine. Iraq – one hundred and fifty thousand, USA – seventy-nine. Does that mean that if we had sent over eighty guys, we still would have won that fucking thing, or what? Bill Hicks